Resurgo.

I was born in the Moncton Hospital in 1986. I lived in Riverview until I was 5, when we moved to Alma. I started attending Université de Moncton in 2004, and lived in Moncton in fall and winter until 2008, when I moved here year-round. I joke to people "I was born in Moncton, and I'm still here! I haven't gone far in life!", but I love this city. I can't go for a walk without seeing somebody I know, and that's just from working customer service here in the last five years.

Last week, tragedy unfolded. Our beautiful city, a vibrant and close-knit community, was under threat from a gunman. More than a third of Moncton was in lockdown. I had friends who heard the gunshots while out walking, thinking people were setting off fireworks because it was such a beautiful day. I knew at least six families, off the top of my head, who were in the red zone. We weren't, but we were close enough that we didn't want to risk it--the closest police barricade was only five minutes away. #prayformoncton was trending globally on Twitter--a recognition we sadly hoped would be in better circumstances.

Everyone in Moncton was somehow affected by the hours of terror that followed. Five officers were shot, three of whom died from their wounds--their families and friends, to say the least, were among the most affected.

These are the three officers whose names we must remember: Constable Dave Ross, Constable Fabrice Gevaudan, and Constable Douglas Larche. These three men died protecting our city.

Despite the terror and fear, though, there was one thing I noticed about the situation that made our beautiful community seem even more so.

Love. Support. Unity.

People were sharing information--not the locations of the RCMP and their movements, mind you, as was requested of us--and putting friends up in their homes. Porch lights were on across the city to aid the police in their manhunt, leaving a city that felt very dark covered in lights of hope. People stayed in their homes in an attempt to make the suspect the only person moving. The whole city was at a virtual standstill as businesses closed and buses were pulled off the roads. When the announcement came that the suspect was in custody, there was a flood of relief. People were on the roads at 1:30 AM, cheering and smiling. I'm sure I'm not the only one who immediately felt safe again.

The days that followed the shooter's arrest were filled with such an outpouring of support for the RCMP and other first responders that I couldn't help but be proud. I went to get lunch with my mom the day after, and an officer was behind me in line. With tears in my eyes, I shook his hand and thanked him. I watched as he approached the front of the line and a man tried to pay for his lunch. The woman behind the cash smiled and shook her head, saying "it's on us". Business signs on Mountain Road were changed to say "thank you RCMP". My own workplace started selling muffins, 100% of the proceeds going toward the Moncton Fallen RCMP Members Memorial Fund, and today I am trading in my work uniform of green and black for red and white to show my support.

Friday night, a candlelight vigil was held in front of the RCMP's office on Main Street. I've heard mixed reports that anywhere from 2,000-10,000 people were there, but I would believe any number on that spectrum. My husband and I went to witness it, and it was incredible. Flowers covered the steps leading to the building to the point that they had to be left on the street. There was so much love and respect.

This is a public thank you to the RCMP, who were professional and dealt with a difficult situation in a way I can't imagine being any better. Thank you for protecting our beautiful city while mourning your friends, who must have been like family members to you. My heart is with the family and friends of everyone affected by this tragedy.

Violence causes so much pain in everyone's lives, both physically and mentally. To see Moncton come together in love for each other has been so important during this time. It is my sincere wish that through these horrific events, something beautiful can come, and from what I've seen, it's already begun. Nothing can change what happened, but we can prevent events like this from terrorizing our lives again. Violence can only beget violence; let's try to love each other a bit more.

Moncton's motto, by the way, is "Resurgo", which means "I rise up again". Never before has it been more appropriate.

New Brunswick takes an enormous step backwards

Things are already pretty bad in NB.

New Brunswick is, currently, the only province in Canada refusing to give funding for private abortion clinics. In order for a woman to terminate her pregnancy safely, she has to spend $700-$850 of her own money, which she may not be able to afford. The Morgantaler clinic in Fredericton will not turn any woman away, however, and will pay what the woman cannot not to ensure she remains safe and healthy.

This is a band-aid solution, however, for New Brunswick's bizarre "two doctor" policy. This policy states that a woman may only have a funded abortion in New Brunswick if it's "medically necessary"--a vague term that could be easily abused by doctors who are anti-abortion. The woman must be examined by two doctors and be given approval. It is invasive and has the possibility to be discriminatory and judgmental. This is a segment of General Regulation 84-20.

Now, with its private funding all but sapped dry, the Morgantaler clinic in Fredericton has announced that its doors will be closing in July. This is a heavy blow to women's rights in New Brunswick, but it's important to mention that New Brunswickers aren't the only ones suffering for this. Prince Edward Island has no current access to safe abortions, and many women would leave the province to have the procedure done in New Brunswick. Now, they will have to travel to Halifax, and travelling can quickly become expensive. In addition, it is a woman's right to be able to access services pertaining to her own well being, and this right is going to be wholly denied in New Brunswick and PEI starting in July.

Abortions outside of the "two doctor" policy will continue to happen--there is no question. Before abortions were legal, women died from not having safe access. If you do not support legal abortions, then you are, by default, supporting unsafe amateur abortions. By closing an abortion clinic, the province is obliterating the right of a woman to have her pregnancy ended safely in an area that is, importantly, free of judgment and malicious intent, and free of assumptions made based on popularised abortion myths--some of the most popular being "women use abortions as birth control" and that they make the decision for "frivolous" reasons.

Tax dollars are already being spent on those few approved "medically necessary" cases, so anti-abortionists in New Brunswick are already paying for a restricted amount of abortions with their tax dollars. How can we justify using such a vague term as "medically necessary" when there are so many other factors that come into play when a woman chooses to have an abortion? "Medically necessary", being undefined, is completely removing the potential necessity of abortions as a result of a whole rainbow of other problems. Adding to this, an appointment with a doctor can be extremely difficult to obtain, let alone appointments with two different doctors. The possibility of a woman waiting outside of the current legal timeframe--up to 20 weeks--to receive an abortion is very real.

I refrained from using the term "pro-life" in this article because, while I do believe anti-abortion activists think they're pro-life, they are only truly against the act of aborting the fetus and allowing it to remain unborn. Let me clarify: the anti-abortionist doesn't care if a child is being born into an abusive household. The anti-abortionist doesn't care if the child is kept by the mother or placed for adoption. The anti-abortionist doesn't care that the mother of the child may genuinely not want to be a mother, for whatever reason, and that she may be giving up her own life to raise a child she isn't prepared to raise. The anti-abortionist doesn't care that the child may be neglected and even resented for this reason. The anti-abortionist doesn't care that the baby may be brought into a house in poverty, with the mother or parents being unable to provide for the child. The anti-abortionist doesn't care that a woman, unable to be approved for a funded abortion, may take matters into her own hands, seriously injuring herself or the baby. The anti-abortionist doesn't care about what happens to that baby after being born, and the anti-abortionist certainly doesn't care about the mother at all.

People labelling themselves as "pro-life" need to think about what that means. A woman is not just an incubator for an unborn child--she deserves a choice in what she's going to do for the rest of her life, and when or if she is ready to be a mother. Abstinence isn't the answer and, in some instances, simply cannot be.

If you support this issue and feel strongly about it, here's what you can do:

• Read and share this article: Fredericton's Morgantaler Clinic is Closing, and Here is Why you Should Care - The Belle Jar
• Sign this petition on change.org
• Attend the Rally for Our Right to Accessible Abortion in Fredericton, NB
• Write your MLA and demand their support to rescind the portion of general regulation 84-20 that restricts abortion 
• Tweet with the #NBProchoice hashtag to continue the discussion and expedite awareness

On a personal note, I don't really like sharing political issues in my blog, but I am sick and tired of women being told what they can and cannot do with their own bodies by other people--especially when it's because of other people's personal beliefs. This is a human rights issue. I'm heartbroken and ashamed that our province is being pushed back to an age that we, as women, need other people's permission to make decisions for ourselves. Regardless of what you personally feel on the matter, whether to receive an abortion or not should be the woman's choice, not yours--end of story. 

Reflections on "The Grove"

The Walking Dead isn't just an escapist drama about zombies and the apocalypse: it's a human representation of a world gone awry, and an introspective look at the self through situational horror. "The Grove", which is episode 14 of season 4, aired on March 16th, 2014. This particular episode touched on numerous difficult topics it has only briefly looked at in the past, fully developing a character whose illness has been hinted at since the beginning of season 4.

A brief forewarning that this post is full of spoilers. If you're a Walking Dead fan who hasn't seen this episode yet, I recommend waiting to read this post.

Lizzie's condition

Lizzie and Mika, after the fall of Woodbury, moved to the prison with the rest of the series' protagonists. Shortly after, they lost their father, and were taken in by Carol. During this time, a few things occurred. Lizzie's fascination with walkers and naming them started to surface, and, in secret, she started feeding them mice and dissecting dead rabbits. Lizzie was clearly deeply embedded in a world of psychosis that her family was aware of. In one of Carol's early interactions with Lizzie, she calls her weak, to which Mika replies that "she's not weak", she's "messed up". Mika's reaction to Lizzie's panic attack at the beginning of "The Grove" was to tell her to look at the flowers, which was clearly a system that they had figured out a long time ago.

Some have argued that the episode came out of nowhere and dealt with issues that should have been dealt with. I think it's important to keep a few things in mind:

• Everyone's emotions were tampered with after the fall of the prison; everyone was affected differently by this event. Lizzie already was showing some distressing issues before the fall. It wouldn't have made sense for her situation to have come to a head before, as it was only beginning to develop.
• Lizzie had to grow up very quickly in a short period of time. With her father recently dead, she was the new head of the family, forced to care for her gentle and sweet younger sister, Mika.
• Lizzie shot two human beings, one in the head. While she clearly had issues long before that, that could easily have made matters worse.

Lizzie called the walkers by names and was feeding them live mice. At this point, a fascination was beginning to take hold. When she was in Woodbury, she likely had access to anti-psychotics that would have withheld her condition. At the fall of Woodbury, and the death of her father, there was likely no longer a means by which she could access this medication. She dissected rabbits and captured the mice as her medication began to wear off, and that was when she started to "hear" the walkers.

Picture taken from folieviolet on Tumblr.

Could this have been avoided? Perhaps, but most likely not. The one part of the episode that seems to be the tipping point, though, could have been. At the beginning of this episode, we see a fire in the distance. Not long after, walkers, charred and smoking, appear. Lizzie joins the others to shoot the walkers and realises, then states, "I know what I have to do now". A few scenes later, Lizzie murders Mika. This wouldn't have escalated to such a degree if Lizzie wasn't forced to shoot the walkers. Without those walkers, the turning point of the episode wouldn't have occurred.

Think back to a few episodes ago. Beth and Daryl decide to burn down the cabin they're resting in. This cabin is in the middle of the woods. I believe that the fire in "The Grove" was caused by Beth and Daryl burning the cabin a few episodes prior.  If that fire hadn't brought the walkers over to the pecan grove, something would still have escalated with Lizzie, but it would have happened differently.

Lizzie has a disconnect between life, death, and undeath, and seems to think that undeath is an evolution, of sorts, stating that she thinks she should "change", too. She has no trouble killing her own sister because she believes she is only helping her to change. She is still, however, a little girl seeking approval. She breaks down into tears when she thinks that Carol is mad at her, apologising for pulling a gun on her. She seems to realise that pain is bad, but doesn't think death is--as long as it can result in humans returning as walkers, made clear when she said that she didn't mean to shoot Alisha in the head. She meant to kill her, but didn't mean for her to stay dead.

Carol's development

This episode was heavy-hitting in terms of character development for Carol. She has started talking about Sofia again, speaking easily and fondly of her, and even compares Mika to her. She has tried for the whole season to distance herself from these girls--to protect and guide them, without becoming a mother figure to them. In this episode, her failure in this is evident. She compares Mika to her own daughter, saying "she doesn't have a mean bone in her body" and that she would have to learn to make difficult decisions sometimes. When Lizzie is revealed to have killed Mika, Carol maintains her composure and only breaks down when Lizzie leaves with Tyreese. This scene was one of the best examples of the stellar acting the Walking Dead showcases every week.

Carol knows she cannot let Lizzie live. She says twice that Lizzie "can't be around other people", betraying the significance of that statement the second time she says it. Carol has made an incredibly difficult decision. When she walks out into the clearing with Lizzie, the gravity of that knowledge is immense to her. She finally tells Lizzie she loves her, after resisting that love for the whole season,  and quotes Mika's words from earlier in the episode, saying "everything works out the way it's supposed to".

Carol has been keeping a secret from Tyreese since they met up: she killed Karen and David. In this episode, Carol has three chances to tell Tyreese what she did. The first opportunity certainly would have killed her, the second one was likely. The third time, Carol throws caution to the wind and tells the truth. Her development is immense here. She goes from being on her own and happy to keep the truth from everyone, to feeling a genuine need to tell the truth. She goes so far as to hand Tyreese the gun and say "do what you have to do". She accepts, openly, that Tyreese could kill her, and she wouldn't blame him for doing so. Tyreese, mercifully, shows a lot of development here, too. When he first found out about Karen's death, he would have happily taken care of the killer, no matter who it was. Here, he is able to see the situation from Carol's perspective, and accept that she really believed she was doing the right thing. The two leave together and continue to travel together at the end of the episode.

Carol had to kill Lizzie--there was no other way. Melissa McBride--Carol's actress--said, on Talking Dead after the show:

"I don't think there was really any other option. There's a lot of nature vs. nurture going on in this episode to look at. As much as it broke Carol's heart to have to do this and to realize this had to be done, when they were walking toward the flowers in that scene and Lizzie says, 'You're mad at me and I'm sorry.' You'd think she'd be sorry for stabbing her sister to death but instead she's sorry for pointing a gun at her and she just doesn't get it." - Melissa McBride (taken from Zap2It) 

Parallels with Of Mice and Men

After this episode, I read Of Mice and Men in full to get a better understanding on the comparisons being made by people online and on Talking Dead. With the episode fresh in my mind, the comparisons were clear, to the point that I'm certain Of Mice and Men was not only an inspiration, but that this episode, and Lizzie's entire character, was based on the story.

The pecan grove Mika and Carol found is an ideal place for them to hide while they get their bearings. Tyreese believes they could find solace and be happy there, and for awhile, they are. This is a direct comparison with the run in which main characters Lennie and George were to "live off the fatta the lan'" in Of Mice and Men. The episode begins with them rejoicing in this place, much in the way that Lennie did when he imagined the run. Rabbits and mice are central in Of Mice and Men, and Lizzie kills these creatures throughout her tenure with the show. Lizzie nearly suffocates Judith in the same way that Lennie suffocates Curley's wife. Despite both characters' dark histories with living creatures, both of them share a kind of innocence; Lizzie plays with walkers like a little girl, and Lennie loves creatures like mice and puppies so much he kills them with giving them too much attention.

Carol and George share a number of similarities: they are both the characters that hold power over the characters of Lennie and Lizzie, and act as guardians, of sorts. Carol is a mother figure to Lizzie, and a figure whom Lizzie wants nothing more than to please and impress. George is a sort of surrogate brother to Lennie--he keeps his behaviour in check and openly disparages him when he becomes out of control. Both Carol and George kill their surrogates in an act of love. They make the difficult decisions because they know their surrogates aren't meant to live in the world. Tyreese acts as a Slim-like character, offering Carol support after she kills Lizzie--and act that, though necessary, upsets her deeply.

Final thoughts

This was a moving, deeply upsetting episode. In my opinion, it was the best of the season so far, and is my favourite of the series to date. The writers did an admirable job in pushing the boundaries as far as possible while handling it tastefully. This episode ties some loose ends, such as the mice being fed to walkers and the dissected rabbits, and Carol finally was able to reveal the truth to Tyreese. With the textual parallels drawn between this episode and Of Mice and Men, as well as the walker-feeding harkening back to early on in the season, viewers are easily drawn to the conclusion that this ending for Lizzie was not only a long time coming, but that the character was designed to burn out brightly.

The Walking Dead has always played with the idea that humans are more dangerous than walkers, and this episode illustrates that Lizzie feels that way to an extreme. Killing people and "changing" them into walkers means that they aren't intentionally cruel anymore.

Finally, the way the actors portray their roles is spellbinding. Lizzie's crying during her final scene was one of the most heartbreaking things to witness in the series so far; most people I've spoken to have agreed that they didn't like Lizzie as a character, but that this scene made them feel genuinely sorry for her. The way Carol holds her composure until Lizzie leaves, then breaks down into sobs as she ensures Mika doesn't turn was a moment I won't forget. And, finally, the way Tyreese whispers "I forgive you" to Carol eased some of the episode's tension.

This was, all-around, a haunting and poetic episode. Season 4 has been going all-out so far. I'm excited to see where the series will go next, with just 2 more episodes to go in this season.

Annual Atlantic Undergraduate English Conference

I mentioned in an earlier post that this was going to be a year of opportunities for me. This past weekend, I had an opportunity to represent Université de Moncton, along with three of my fellow English department students, in the Atlantic Annual Undergraduate English Conference that was held at Dalhousie University in Halifax.

On Friday night, we listened to Lynn Coady deliver a keynote address, approaching the topic of being unafraid to write despite having people against you. The next day opened the floor to the students from the Atlantic region, and I had the privilege to hear interesting papers about everything from mental illness through aerial dance, to comparisons of Monty Python's Life of Brian to the Second Shepherd's Play. Creative panels displayed the talents of students, who wrote about family war-time stories and read aloud their diverse and thought-provoking poetry.

On Saturday afternoon, I had the opportunity to read my own poetry in front of the crowd. Interestingly, that same day was my father's birthday. Allan Cooper is a poet, and because of him, I've been exposed to poetry my whole life. I have never read a selection of poems in front of others; I've always been reading just one or two. It seemed fitting that, on his birthday, I take the opportunity to read fully for the first time.

This weekend, it hit me just how much I miss being an English student. I'm still an English major, but I finished my required courses ages ago and am just ticking off all my necessary, required courses, now. I especially miss writing critical papers--analyzing works of literature, or articles, and trying to find the mysteries in each. I think I might do a few on here--for fun--over the next little while. Why not? I have a few ideas in mind already.

Attending and reading at this conference was a fantastic experience, and I highly recommend it to any Atlantic Canadian English student. Submit you paper or creative works next year, and take pride in your work!

Alive, kicking, and writing

This is just to let anyone curious know that I'm still alive and still writing, but busy with school at the moment.

In between school and working part-time, I have been working on a few exciting projects:

• I've been in on a really fun project with a couple of dudes named Robert and Mike. They did an album called Timethief, which I lent some voice work to. You can listen here, and you can hear my voice on the track Lonely City.
• I recorded my own song back on September and have been working on my own stuff ever since. I have a small concept EP in the works and I'll probably release it on Bandcamp when it's done. The EP will be 9 tracks, with an intro, intermission and finale, plus 6 full songs throughout. 
• I had the opportunity to attend a writers' workshop by local author Jennifer McGrath Kent last weekend. It was inspiring and informative, and it was in a beautiful location. By the end of the day, I had figured out the ending of the novel I've been working on. 
• I've been working on a novel for the last year, by the way! I started last year and have been keeping up with it, slowly but surely. I hit a wall when I couldn't think of where the story was going, but thankfully the workshop jarred something loose for me. As soon as my time frees up, I'll be working on the novel more often.
• My friend Phil--also known as PhilInTheBlanks--makes Let's Play videos on Youtube, and I've been lending my voice to his new project, Let's Play Chrono Trigger. Here is episode one! Keep an eye on his Youtube channel for any further releases.
• I've been working, sporadically, on a few Twine projects. I'll be re-purposing Population: 1 to be the Twine game it should have been from the beginning. I'm working on another new Twine game, as well. Updates will be posted here.
• As always, I've been working on poems when inspiration strikes. As a part of my education, I have also been selected, along with 3 other students, to represent Université de Moncton's English Department at the Annual Atlantic Undergraduate English Conference coming up in a little over a week, presenting my poetry. I am more than a little nervous.
• I have about 6 posts sitting as partially-completed drafts right now. They're not ready for the public yet. Among them are posts about seeing movies in theatres and a deconstruction of Frozen's "Let it Go" (yes, really). I'm trying to work on them here and there between written projects and heaps of reading for school. 
• A little add-on that this is going to be my "year of opportunities". Now that I'm not working as much, I'm taking every opportunity, creative or otherwise, that I have room for. After my school schedule moves aside, I'll be focusing primarily on my creative projects and working on the side. Wish me luck!

It's hard to believe it, but I'm already well past the halfway mark for school. Just another month or so worth of pushing, and this semester will be over. I can't wait to dedicate myself to my creative projects a bit more!

The Gods of Social Anxiety

I linger outside the classroom for a few minutes before making my way inside. I haven't seen my professor yet, so I don't know if she's in there or not. I'm apprehensive that I'm going to walk in on someone else's class, and I'm going to get looked at. Better just to wait.

I see another student go in through the opposite door, and I feel instantly vindicated. In I go. Much to my desperate relief, no one looks at me. No one even so much as glances at me--not even the prof. Just the way I like it. I find a seat on the end, so I don't have to climb over anyone else in case I need to leave, and I sit down. I must be in a class full of keeners, because I'm one of the last to arrive, and there are more than five minutes before the class begins.

I take a moment to look over the professor. She's young--probably no more than five years older than I am--and it strikes me that I am almost certainly the oldest student in class. I likely have more in common with the professor than with my fellow students.

Her hair is black, and she has neat bangs in the front. The back of her head is home to a sleek ponytail. At first, she seems almost unfriendly--she doesn't look at the class and doesn't smile. Until, that is, she starts to talk about the course and its material. She welcomes us to the class, and suddenly she can't stop smiling. She almost certainly loves linguistics--the course she's there to teach.

After a few minutes, she introduces herself. She is French, like most of the professors here, and has a beautiful French name to accompany it. I remember thinking that of my Spanish teacher five years prior. Katie Cooper Butland seems clunky and large in comparison. It doesn't even roll off the tongue when you say it. It gets stuck, like when you try to swallow an almond you haven't chewed enough.

It suddenly hits me that we may have to introduce ourselves, and I'm full of apprehension. I move my hand across the desk, made of shiny plastic resembling plywood, and notice a streak of sweat left from my palm. My heart is racing. Please don't make us introduce ourselves. What will I say? "I'm Katie. I'm technically a fourth-year student but I've actually been in university since fall of 2004. I major in English. I am English first language. This is a French university. What the hell am I even doing? I'm twenty-eight, by the way. I'm married. I'm a home owner. I gave up a full time management position to finish the degree I was supposed to get 5 years ago." If we're going to introduce ourselves, can we just say our name and that's it? Pretty please?

The Gods of Social Anxiety have smiled upon me. The prof goes down our names, and then hands out the syllabus. She isn't going to make us introduce ourselves.  My heart stops racing and I get comfortable in my seat. No one will look at me. I mean, other than for the fact I have blue hair.

A cursory glance at the syllabus tells me that we have three exams total and no projects. Perfect. That means I won't need to work in a group.

About halfway through class, I feel that familiar nagging urge. I have to pee. Why now? Come on. I peed before I left the house. I've only had a cup of coffee and a glass of juice today. I haven't even touched the tea in my travel mug. What if I have to leave class? That would be so embarrassing. Leave on the first class? No way. I would look so rude--I bet you anything the professor would remember me as That Girl who Left Class on the First Day. She wouldn't remember me for my bright blue hair, my orange coat, or my plaid top. Not at all.

Hazarding a glance at my cell phone in my jacket pocket, I see that there are only twenty minutes of class left. I should be able to wait that long. No problem. Relief, again. I relax.

Class is now over, and I have an hour and forty-five minutes to myself. Lunch time. I brought my own, and there's a microwave in the student room as well. I hope there aren't too many people, though.

There aren't. I remember days of the past, when I'd come in here to sleep on the sofa between classes. Now I'm bringing my laptop so I can do reading for the class I just took. The times have certainly changed for me--I never have been so studious. I know I have to do well in this class, though, so studying has become second nature for me, compared to when I used to have to convince myself to study a half an hour for the midterm I did none of the reading for. I've grown tired of being a crummy student. I want to succeed. It took me a five year break to discover for myself how I could do that.

I eat my lunch, headphones in, and relax quietly for a little while. I don't have to worry about anything right now.

Until my next class, at 3 PM, when I'll repeat this whole sorry scene all over again.

New Year, New Leaf

(Alternate title: This is not another post about Animal Crossing, so don't worry.)

It's 2014. And things are changing for me.

Sounds cliché, doesn't it? A lot of people take the New Year as a time for renewal and changes. Lots of people make weight loss or fitness-related goals for themselves in 2014. That's not a judgment by any means; it's merely an observation. Whether it's cliché or not, it's still a great opportunity to stop and look at where you are in your life and think of what you'd like to change.

I did this a little earlier--August 2013, to be precise. I was thinking about where I'd like to be right now and school really stood out for me.

I've been on hiatus from university since spring of 2008. I'd had 11 courses remaining, but felt the need to take a break for personal reasons. I just wasn't ready to be where I was and didn't know what I'd do afterwards, anyway. So, I took a step away to figure things out. I don't regret this at all. I had people telling me not to take too long a break because I would never go back. This year, I realised that I was running out of time, and that I had two options: let my courses expire and not finish, or go back and get it all done.

It was a tough decision, because both sides meant a lot of sacrifices. I'll never regret the time I took away from university because I learned so much about myself during it. I worked really hard, made a ton of new friends and acquaintances and even wrote a novella. I took a couple of courses over the last two years and earned higher marks than I had while studying full time, leading me further into the idea that I had learned enough to finally give it full throttle. Doing that while working full time was very difficult and it took a lot out of me, but I succeeded. I now have nine courses remaining. Nine. I have 5 coming up in January, then I'm hoping to take some intercession courses in spring and summer, then whatever is left to take in the fall. I will, finally, finish in December 2014. One year from now, I will finally have my degree. Better late than never!

I struggled with the need to make a change a year ago. I wasn't sure what that change was supposed to be and ended up not making a change at all in the process. I'm glad I didn't, because I don't know if I would have made this decision otherwise.

So, welcome, 2014. I'm glad to see you. I know I have a lot of resolutions that I really want to make this year, but I think I'm just going to keep it to one: focus on school. What's even more exciting is that after this degree is finished, I'll be free, and I'll be able to move on to other things without feeling like I'm half-doing something else.

Who cares if New Year's resolutions are cliché? Who cares if you don't keep them? Thinking actively about your life and what you can do to change it for the better is still a worthwhile exercise. Better to resolve, try, and not keep your resolution, than to do nothing at all. Better to be self aware and fix anything broken than to be ignorant, whether you perceive that ignorance to be bliss or not. Try, and, in trying, may you succeed.

Happy New Year.